Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Day 21 - as long as

by jessica

When I was pregnant with our little Eva, a family friend asked my husband Curt if he was looking forward to having a boy or a girl.
"Well, it doesn't really matter!"
She laughed and then said something that a person hears a lot when they are expecting:
"Yeah, i guess so. As long as the baby is healthy!"
Curt blurted out, "Actually, that doesn't really matter either."
She looked a little taken aback.  Curt tried to explain what he meant. "Well, i know what you mean but... We've had 6 children born to us so far. They were all "healthy" and "perfect". Seven years after our first son was born, he was diagnosed with epilepsy. At three, our daughter was diagnosed with a rare hormonal deficiency called diabetes insipidus, and then at 5, it was discovered that this original diagnosis was caused by a rare cancer-like disease growing on her pituitary. There are no guarantees in life, and although we don't want our children to be in pain, we know that even this present suffering can be "worked out" for good as we love and train our children in the middle of their suffering."  
When he got home that night, he brought up the conversation with me and how he had surprised himself with what he had blurted out. "But Jess, it's true."
Yeah, it is.
Why do we say those words... "As long as they are healthy?"
"As long as they are healthy..." what?
-then i'll be happy?
-then i'll be thankful?
-then i'll know that the pregnancy was "worth it"?
-then i'll know that they will have an easy life and not worry?
Not true.
If they are not healthy... then what? 
What will be lost?
Our joy?
Our faith?
Our love?
Our peace?
Our patience?
Our self control?
Our goodness?
Our kindness?
Our faithfulness?
My children are in your hands.
I give them back to you.
With their strengths,
with their frailties....
as long as they remain in your love...
then I'll know that they have been *fully delivered*.


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  1. Wow. I'm rendered speechless (and that's NOT common). Praise the Lord for your hearts.

  2. Yep - it made me cry. It is so true - I would never trade one precious moment with our Alisha and what we have learned through her. Would I ask it be redone and she be born healthy - never. Would I love to see her in no pain - of course. But her condition has made her who she is - and made me who I am - and for that I give God the glory.

  3. I love this one. I think of this story often whenever I hear that comment...haven't had the guts to say it tho :S

  4. yes... it is a wonder to truly say that - to hold your children with open hands and trust that the Giver is Good.

  5. Absolutely perfect. perfect. The though has crossed my mind many times, but I could never even put it into words...you totally nailed it!

  6. I actually have a post with a similar thought sitting in my 'drafts' folder... in the face (no pun intended) of Spencer's illness and the mysteries it brought... and the *fear* of the unknown... but the realization that I'd trade absolutely none of it.

  7. I can actually remember my doctor offer the screening test for Downs Syndrome when I was expecting Joshua. He said that if the test at 15 weeks was positive, we could chose to end the pregnancy. My jaw dropped at the thought of taking the precious life inside of me and promptly declined the test.
    It seemed so easy for him to say that... "just in case we didn't want a baby with DS." Sad.

  8. So beautiful Jessica...your heart for His Glory to be known is awesome to behold...I am in awe of His goodness. Thank-you for sharing the tender places of who He made you to be. You are the perfect mama for these amazing children.