Day 37 - post-abortion healing

by Kali - a Victoria vigiler


I made my way to the site of the 40 Days for Life prayer vigil yesterday. It was my first time there- and though I registered myself as a member of the 40 Days team, I hadn’t made it to actually checking the schedule and slotting myself in, officially.
Fear presents itself in subtle ways at times. This time, it was in the form of procrastination. Though I wanted to go, I realized that the thoughts of venturing out on my own made me find a zillion reasons why it was really not convenient and probably not necessary. I can pray anywhere, after all…and God knows my heart, and really, would my prayers there Really make a difference? You know how that thinking goes- though it seems absurd to actually name the feelings that way, there they are? Bottom line: I was forced to acknowledge that my actions were really not in line with my beliefs.
So I went. I casually planned to meet a friend, who was not there. I parked- and I worked on knitting a baby hat while I prayed. After 30 min or so, I realized I had to at least have my feet touch the pavement. I wanted to make my presence apparent and at the very least, support those who were quietly taking their place on the sidewalk across the road.
I said hello, I walked up & down a few times, and I prayed for all that was going on behind the closed doors of this innocent looking community building. A modern, friendly-looking establishment housed with family & maternity doctors, midwives, and a complement of natural health practitioners. Funny, there’s no mention of abortion on the signage. Only health and wellness and babies and families and a drugstore below, (one with a fine reputation as a compounding pharmacy that meets the specific needs of pediatric patients in the community.)
The contrast of nurturing health and life with the hidden agenda of promoting death was so raw, so obvious, so sad. And in the drizzly gray of the day, I lasted only a short time on that sidewalk. I knew I did what I came to do as I literally took only babysteps in the right direction.
As I walked back to the car, I identified with the loneliness and sadness these woman face: the confusing emotions of not yet wanting a baby, coupled with the devastation (or numbness) when faced with the alternative. I cried, I walked and prayed. As I neared the car (parked further down the road in a residential area as directed by the Vigil guidelines) a large sign, suspended by large oak branches in the middle of a beautiful garden border caught my eye. Engraved on it were the words:

The kiss of the sun for pardon,
The song of the birds for mirth,–
One is nearer God’s heart in a garden
Than anywhere else on earth.

 

I wept again at the goodness of my Father- who knows my love for gardens. Who knows I needed a kiss for pardon- from the True Son. It was a little gift, a nudge, to show me He was there. And that He cares for me. In my lame attempts to do what is Right- He was blessed. And so was I- and on that sidewalk near a lovely garden, I did indeed feel near to His heart.
I journalled on a scrap of paper I found in the car, jotting down more of the emotions and memories that came to me as I allowed myself to recall the experiences of my own abortion. Sad and raw on some levels, yet ridiculously straight-forward, I recalled how easily I got on with my day afterwards back in Grade 12…back to student council meetings and dance team rehearsals and a rigorous academic schedule and a scholarship resume in the works. Blah. So very wrong. I scribbled a page of reflections. On Day 29.
So in the midst of the muck & the mire, I give Him praise- and I’m looking forward to going back. Anyone want to come?

1 I waited patiently for the Lord;
he inclined to me and heard my cry.
2 He drew me up from the pit of destruction,
out of the miry bog,
and set my feet upon a rock,
making my steps secure.
3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
and put their trust in the Lord. Psalm 40